You may have noticed that I have not written a blog post for exactly 23 days. You may not have noticed. You may not give a shit or even read this at all but that’s what has happened.
I have been locked in a spiral of self-pity for the past three weeks. I had a really busy weekend of wedding cake orders and running around everywhere. Following an excessive Bank Holiday Easter travelling around visiting friends and family and basically over-indulging. I then sunk into guilt. I felt awful for eating and drinking too much and generally having a bloody good time. I have continued to beat myself up for three whole weeks.
Instead of getting back to the gym and stopping eating the crap, I carried on being busy, eating out and ordering in. Not really noticing that it has now been over two weeks since I have been to the gym. That means it has cost me around £25 per swim this month by the cost of my membership!
You may have seen a documentary on TV last night called Plus Size Wars. Although I have some issues with how the programme was edited and narrated, such as the voiceover saying “If you have been affected by anything in this programme please call bla bla bla”. Like the beautiful people watching may have been affected by the sheer thought that there are people over size 18 out there walking around the same streets as them and heaven forbid, actually buying clothes – SHOCK HORROR. Anyway, I couldn’t believe the girls on this programme. Some were over size 24-26 but wearing bikinis, lingerie and statement dresses and guess what? They do not give a shit what YOU think they look like. What matters is that they think look great. They feel sexy. They want to dress the same way as a size 12. And why not? Style has no size. Style is style and size should come much, much later.
This got me thinking, if those girls can love themselves as they are, why can’t I? Maybe this journey is more about learning to love myself more, not weighing less. In my head, my weight stops me from doing everything. The amount of times I have said to myself, “when I have lost weight I’ll…” and it’s bullshit. It is in my head.
So, to you – myself. I am sorry.
Sorry for filling your mind with lies and self-doubt. Sorry for all the excuses I made not to exercise – I know it makes you feel better. Sorry for filling you with improper food that I thought would make us feel better. Sorry for depraving you of calories all together because I thought I didn’t deserve them – you deserve to be fuelled.
I am sorry for comparing you to others. I am sorry for thinking you weren’t good enough. I am sorry for thinking numbers on a scale defined you. I am sorry for not loving you better. I am sorry for treating you as I would never treat others. I am sorry for not taking you to parties because I didn’t think people would like to see you.
Thank you for getting me through 31 years and still holding up – just about. With this apology, I promise to love us better, as we are, and fuel you with the things you deserve.
Thank you for being patient while I learnt this lesson.